Oh Sh!t Let's Talk About Underwear

Let's begin with the obvious. Wiping. Now, I know it's tempting to grab the cheapest toilet paper in the supermarket. After all, you're literally flushing the stuff down the toilet. Spending more money on it can feel like... well, flushing money down the toilet. But your bum may disagree. You want toilet paper that's comfortable enough to clean yourself properly without feeling like you're attacking the area with sandpaper. More importantly, take your time and make sure you're actually clean. There's no magic number of wipes. The goal is simply to clean yourself thoroughly without scrubbing yourself raw. If you're wiping endlessly, more wiping isn't necessarily the solution either. And if you have access to a bidet? Even better. Just remember: clean is the objective. Not friction.

Gentlemen. We need to talk. When you shower or take a bath, your bum is part of your body too. I don't think some of us men like hearing this. I certainly didn't. There was a point in my life when my policy was simple: Only toilet paper is allowed near my bum. I've since revised the policy. Water needs to get involved. You don't need to scrub the area into another dimension or attack sensitive skin with heavily fragranced products. Just clean yourself gently and properly when you bathe. That's it. I'm not going into further detail. Just trust me.

Now, here's one of my personal strategies. Dark underwear. Black. Dark brown. Navy. Colours like that. Part of my reasoning was brutally simple: if something unfortunate happens, darker colours are considerably more forgiving than white. Is this technically solving the hygiene problem? No. Is it camouflage? Perhaps. But I also genuinely prefer darker underwear, and if you're someone who occasionally deals with stains, they're certainly less visually unforgiving. Whatever colour you choose, though, make sure your underwear actually fits. Too loose and you'll spend the day feeling like it's falling off. Too tight and it'll spend the day trying to become part of you. And white underwear? Personally, I stay away. Those things will expose every mistake you've ever made. Especially when your girlfriend happens to be doing the laundry. Ask me how I know.

This one should be self-explanatory. Change your underwear. Every day. Ideally, fresh underwear goes on after you've had your shower or bath. Wearing the same pair for consecutive days isn't doing you or the underwear any favours. This is one of those incredibly boring habits that nobody is going to compliment you for. Nobody is going to walk up to you and say: “Theodore, mate, phenomenal work changing your underwear this morning.” But that's hygiene. A lot of taking care of yourself happens when nobody is watching.

Now let's address the elephant in the laundry room. You've followed the rules. You've tried your best. And somehow, there's still a skid mark. First: don't panic. Second: don't just throw the underwear back into the drawer and pretend you didn't see it. Treat the stain before washing, accordingly to the care instructions for the underwear and whatever laundry product you're using. The sooner you deal with a stain, the better your chances of getting it out. Then wash the underwear properly and make sure it's clean before wearing it again. If it's reached the point where no amount of washing is saving it, gentlemen... Let it go. Underwear is replaceable. Your dignity is worth the £8.

There's one more part of this conversation that doesn't actually involve underwear. Your bowel habits. What you eat, how your digestive system responds to it and the consistency of your stool can all affect how easy or difficult it is to clean yourself afterwards. For many people, a balanced diet with enough fibre and fluids helps keep bowel movements regular. But everyone's digestive system is different, so pay attention to yours. If certain foods consistently send you sprinting towards the nearest bathroom, perhaps that's useful information. And if staining or leakage happens regularly even when you're cleaning yourself properly, don't just keep buying darker underwear and pretending everything is fine. Persistent bowel leakage or a significant change in your normal bowel habits is something worth discussing with a healthcare professional. Yes, the conversation might be embarrassing. They've heard worse.

We talk a lot about presentation. The right clothes. The right fit. The fragrance. The shoes. The little details that make a man look like he takes care of himself. But personal care isn't just presentation. Some of the most important habits are the ones nobody is supposed to notice. Clean yourself properly. Shower properly. Put on fresh underwear. Pay attention to your body. And when something goes wrong, deal with it rather than pretending it isn't there. Nothing revolutionary. Just the less glamorous side of being a well kept man. Oh, and one more thing.